Awkward Timing
by Ace Trainer Alicia
Summary: While challenging the Elite Four, White happens to overhear something she really shouldn't. Crackfic, Valetshipping, rated for limey-ness.


I gazed up the last of the four flights of stairs, swallowing hard and steeling myself for the challenge that lay ahead. Three down, one to go, and then I'd face my final challenge. I could do this. I knew I had it in me.

"Miju!" My trusted partner gave a slight tug at my hair. What he'd just said was _Come on, let's go!_

"Alright, Miju, I'm going," I said, reaching up to my hair to pet him. "You don't have to pull."

As I made my way up the stairs, I couldn't help but wish the same thing I'd wished when I took on the other three Elites: that my stubborn little Mijumaru would just evolve. He'd have a better chance against these Trainers, and I wouldn't have to worry so much for his safety.

"You know, the Champion is bound to be a lot harder than all of these four combined," I said, sounding a little more annoyed than I'd meant to. "If you would evolve, you wouldn't be as likely to get hurt too badly or knocked out."

_I'm a perfectly capable Pokemon just the way I am._ Miju was adamant, and I could practically see him crossing his little arms even though he was in my hair. _We've gone over this before, White. Egg first, and then I evolve._

I sighed and let my shoulders sag. There was no convincing Miju otherwise once he'd made up his mind, and evidently, my love life was more important to him than his own well-being. I wasn't sure why he was so bent on getting N and me together—I mean, Team Plasma would gladly make sure he never saw me again if I let them! And he wanted me to make love to their leader? Sure, I couldn't really deny that I liked N anymore, but still! Couldn't I win the Isshu League first, and worry about getting laid later?

I wiped the sweat off my brow and paused at the top of the staircase. I didn't want to think about Team Plasma, or N, or my love life now. My challenger was what mattered at the moment.

"Go ahead and badger me about it all you want later, Miju," I said. "We have one more Elite Four to face now."

I looked up at the room before me. The whole place was dimly lit by an odd pink glow. There were ribbons and banners hanging from the ceiling, and little lights floating all around the room.

Miju gasped. _Wow! I'm seeing stars!_

One of the ribbons was larger than the others and hanging in a corkscrew shape, and I saw it led up to a platform, up where the last Elite Four must be waiting. Was I supposed to climb it? It probably couldn't hold my weight, and I'd fall into the pit below.

As it turned out, I didn't have to climb it. One of the shiny lights floated over to me, forming a bubble around me that slowly rose into the air, taking me up and around the corkscrew ribbon. My eyes grew wide, and I did my best not to look down.

The top of the platform was within sight soon. One moment I felt suspended in the air, going up as I was, and the next I'd been lightly deposited on the floor. It was such a relief to have my feet on solid ground again.

I blinked, feeling a little dazed. On the other end of the platform, I didn't see my challenger, but noticed a large pink silk curtain.

No sooner had I realized that the Elite Four member must be behind it than I felt a tug at my hair from Miju. _Do you hear those sounds?_

Sure enough, I could hear bedsprings creaking and soft moaning coming from behind the curtain. I knew it must be my challenger—what were they doing back there?

My question was answered rather quickly, and I immediately wished it hadn't been. The creaking grew louder, and so did the moaning.

"Ooooo, Darach… ooooo, ooooo, don't stop! Please! Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"Oh, my lady! My lady!"

"Oh my Arceus… oh, Darach!"

It was painfully obvious what was going on back there, and more than ever, I was wishing I were somewhere else. I definitely did not need to be overhearing this. For a moment, I wondered what Arceus was, but this was too disturbing for me to dwell on it for long.

I looked around for a way out, but of course, the Elite Four design their rooms so that challengers can't leave until after the battle, and this was no exception. I knew the exit portal wouldn't work yet, and if I tried to jump off the platform, I'd be falling for the rest of my life—the last few minutes of it anyway. But then, I might very well get pushed off once they realized I'd overheard everything.

Miju buried his face in my scalp. _What are they doing?_

I could feel my face turning green. "Mating."

Both of them were screaming passionately now, loud enough for Professor Araragi to hear. I was half expecting her to call my Livecaster and ask me about the screaming. She'd probably be all worried and asking if I was alright.

Well, I was all in one piece, but I was certainly far from being alright. Scarred for life was more like it. I was probably going to lose this battle thanks to being so traumatized. Even the creaking of the bedsprings was still loud enough to hear, despite those two screaming their pleasure. At the rate they were going, that bed would collapse.

"Oh, Arceus! Darach, darling, I think I—Oh—"

The ensuing scream of pleasure was loud enough to break glass. I covered my ears and winced from the pain. "Sweet Reshiram's tail… please, make it stop…"

Miju buried his face in my scalp, and I barely noticed that he was clinging to my hair hard enough to hurt. If he had pulled it out then, I don't think I'd have even noticed.

It seemed like forever before the screaming subsided. I pulled my hands off my ears and straightened my hair out. "Finally…"

Sounds of panting and gasping came from behind the curtain. Finally, it was over…

"Oh, Darach," a woman's voice said with a gasp for breath. "That was amazing."

"Only the best for my lady." This voice was a man's, with a high-class accent. "I aim to please."

The lady giggled. "I love you too…"

Miju broke the silence as he tugged at my hair. _Does this mean we have to battle them both?_

Oh, right, that was what I came for. Well, this was going to be the most awkward Trainer battle I'd ever had. I knew I certainly wouldn't want to battle anybody right after making love, let alone somebody who'd been listening in on me.

"Winds of Voltros," I muttered. "We're probably going to lose; I can't even hear myself think anymore."

_No, we won't_, said Miju, adamant as ever. _We'll never let you down, White._

There was a gasp from behind the curtain. "Oh my… Oh Arceus, a challenger! I hope they didn't hear too much… Darach! Into the dresser drawer with you!"

The man gave a gasp as well. "The dresser drawer? But, my lady—"

"Now!" This must be the Elite Four member I was supposed to battle. "I can't have this challenger see you, and certainly not like that!"

"But—" He was cut off as I heard rustling and then a slam.

There was some more rustling and creaking, as well as some slight knocking and muffled cries, and then the curtain slid open to reveal my new opponent. She was dressed in a fuzzy pink dressing gown and pink fuzzy slippers—that she probably threw on in haste. Her hair—and she had a lot of it—was straw-colored, and her eyes were brown.

"A pleasure to see you, Miss," she said, getting up and coming toward me. "I've been expecting you."

I couldn't help but stare at her openmouthed. "You… expected me?"

"Of course," she said, faking a smile and turning red in the face. "Even before I returned home from my travels, I had a dream that a young woman with a cute Pokemon living in her hair would come and challenge me, and it would be the most fun battle I've had in years."

It was all I could do to keep from saying, "Right, and I'm a Victini." I suspected she specialized in the Psychic type, but she was definitely not psychic herself. I could tell with the way she was blushing that she was making this up as she went.

"So I've been patiently awaiting your arrival," she continued. "I was resting here, resting my Pokemon to prepare for you, and most certainly not making love to my valet!"

So the guy she was getting it on with was her valet. I wondered how he was doing in that dresser drawer.

"My name is Caitlin, by the way." She gave a slight curtsy, still faking a smile and looking all red in the face. "And you are?"

"White." I nodded politely at her, careful not to roll my eyes.

"Well, White, you've come far in order to get to me." Caitlin smiled, this time for real, and then eyed Miju. "Your Mijumaru is cute too… but shouldn't he have evolved? Or did you decide to give him an Everstone?"

Just the mention of that made me twitch. She could probably even see the veins bulging on my forehead. I had no desire to get into why Miju wouldn't evolve now, especially not after overhearing her and her valet lovemaking.

"He's just stubborn," I said flatly.

"Hm." Caitlin looked over me again. "Well, I'd certainly like to see what he is capable of. White, I accept your challenge!"

* * *

I did manage to win the battle—in fact, I swept all of her Pokemon with only Kirikizan. It was a wonder, since even now I was still shaking from what I'd overheard.

Caitlin was eyeing me with wonder. "I'm amazed! You really are strong—and that really was fun! Most Trainers have trouble with me."

She motioned to the exit portal. "Well, White, you've beaten the Elite Four. You've proven yourself worthy—now go on, the Champion is waiting. Trust me… you really don't want to stay much longer."

I knew she was anxious for me to go, so she could get back to her valet. I couldn't help but wonder how much she knew I'd heard.

"Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going." I was all too glad to take the exit portal out of there. I didn't need to be around for any more private moments between the two. Besides, that poor guy needed some fresh air after being stuck in that dresser drawer.

_That was… unexpected,_ Miju remarked. _They were so loud… I didn't know humans were so loud when they mated…_

"There's a lot about humans you're better off not knowing," I said. "Trust me."

I was definitely going to have nightmares after this. Why oh why in Zekrom's name did I have to have such awkward timing? On the bright side, though, something told me Miju was probably not going to badger me about getting laid myself for quite some time.


End file.
